Pigalina's Palace

Earlier this year I thought I would finally go ahead and apply for New Zealand citizenship.  I've been living here for almost 13 years after all.  My main reason for doing so was to avoid buying a $25 year-long visa any time I want to go to Australia.  When I called to get my application form the man informed me that there was a $400 fee and the processing could take 2 years!  I decided I would rather just buy the visas, I don't go to Australia that much.
Anyway, Mummy Pigalina, fearing New Zealand civil war and deciding that she may one day want to live in the beautiful sunshine of our larger island cousin, decided that she and Daddy Pigalina would apply for citizenship and offered to pay for me and my sister too. 
Easy peasy, fill out a form, attend a ceremony and get a native tree and a certificate.  Then I am free to come and go from here as I please.  The form however is rather large and rather intrusive. 

In order to decide if I "ordinarily reside" in NZ I have to list any time spent out of the country, each address I have had and the dates and any jobs or benefits received and the dates.  This is actually quite a big task!  I have had many jobs and the dates are not well documented.  They want to know your eye colour and height, if you have ever been overpaid while on a beneift or had to pay a tax bill.  This will mean a long time on the phone to the tax department because I honestly can't remember.  They would also like to know about any fines you have had - this includes speeding so I have to look back through the mists of time to try and remember the date of a speeding ticket about 9 years ago (though luckily the photo was sent for at the time to determine who was driving so I should be able to put the exact date). 

My favourite questions on the form are numbers 20.6a and 20.7:
"Are you or have you ever been associated with a terrorist organisation or involved in acts of terrorism?"
"Are you or have you been involved in a war crime or a crime against humanity?"
Both have nice little tick boxes next to them so any terrorists and war criminals can tick "yes" and then post in their forms. 
After filling out my lovely 11 page form and sending in two passport photos and $400 (of mum's money) I have to sit back for up to 18 months and in the meantime I will be asked to provide a huge wealth of original personal documents including old passports.  It's a good job I am a hoarder.
Then I have to attend a ceremony (there is no getting out of it) and say an affirmation of allegiance.  What a faff.  My native tree better be a goodie.

Hurrah, hooray.  I am finally a permanent member of staff so I can now carry on doing exactly what I have been doing for the last 8 months indefinately.
My coaching paid off and my manager told me my interview was "10, no, 100 times better than last time."  Good, it couldn't really have got much worse than that last one.  I "wanked on" about myself as advised.  I must be good at wanking.

So, watch out unemployed of South D.
 

Yes, time to be interviewed for my own job again.
There are 2, possibly 4 positions going this time around and I am being interviewed, doing a listening, writing and maths test and weeing my pants for it tommorrow.  I had interview skills coaching today so I am armed with knowledge for my time in there.
Wish me luck!  2nd (though technically 3rd) time lucky.
I am very annoyed about having to do the writing, maths and reading tests again.  Can't they take my results from the last two times?  Also they have added a delightful listening test in too.  Awesome.   I've only been listening to clients for the past 6 months.  In a bid to keep it all fair and above board though I have to go through the same stuff as everyone else applying.

The main advice I was given today is "Just wank on about yourself". 
Will try.
This is really not something I enjoy.  I had to write twelve examples of my fabulousness in the application.  Alas "O for orsome" followed by an arrow through each box was unacceptable so I had to spend all last weekend working on it.

If you cast your eyes back to my post dated 14th August you will see that I had the pleasure of applying for the job I am already doing.  Well!  Seems that my skills check - maths, writing a letter etc was great and my application and CV divine (well not quite, but good anyway, despite there amost being some snot and tears during the skills test over a particularly hard question).   So, the tests to see if I was capable of doing the job I have been doing for a few months proved that I could, with bells on.  All was looking well, Pigalina was a little shiny button on a pile of plastic ones screaming pick me, pick meeee! That was until my interview.

I went in, armed with notes as was recommended and, seemingly, looked upon favourably.  (I don't know about you but taking notes to an interview implies you are making most of your answers up and need some prompting).  I had great scenarios worked out about how I am so awesome with clients and go out of my way for them by talking to the IRD on their cellphones or calling the doctor to make appointments for them.  It was going to be a breeze.
When I got in there I poured myself a glass of water so that I looked relaxed and the inevitable dry mouth of fear would not be a problem.  The questions began and I could have fallen to the floor and assumed the fetal position.  None of my scenarios matched the questions, my notes were useless and I flailed around trying to come up with answers.  They asked me one question ("Tell us about a time you had to explain something that the client did not understand") that would have been great with one of my scenarios until they added "With a client that you had never met before." Curses!  One of the interviewing panel knew the scenario that I was going to use and knew that I knew the person.  Damn!  Rather than just lie and say it anyway I floundered before pulling a crappy one out of the air.
Don't even get me started on the diabolical question on Integrity.

So a week later results were announced. I got taken into the little seminar room where the manager told me that Pigalina was to remain a temp.  After that stellar performance?  Outrageous!  Seems that skills tests have nothing to do with it where I work and it all comes down to points scored during the interview.  Yes, interview well and you can get the job even though you may not be able to tell how many beans make 5 and couldn't even write a letter to Santa.  She said that my interview had really let me down and that I took (useless) notes in but didn't refer to them.  Boo-urns!  I had kind of expected it but it still didn't stop me wanting to have a little blub.  I had to sit there and keep a happy face on and then to make it worse the whole office knew something was afoot and I had to walk out all nonchalant and head back to my desk.  Apparently this very predicament has faced others in my office.  Surely it is time to rethink the hiring process?

So I remain temporary until the next round of interviews due to start soon.  I am to be coached by my manager and trainer on interview skills and we will do mock interviews.  How embarrassing! 

Today I had training in the morning for a new computer system that is supposed to come in and make all of our lives at work easier.  It will replace the 3 we currently have fun trying to get to "talk" to each other with just one.  Or it will now be a four way conversation.
I sat down at a computer and as usual it was all flickery so I went to change the refresh rate. 
"Stop that, leave that!" a voice bellowed behind me.  "Leave my settings alone."
"But it flickers and hurts my eyes" I whimpered.
The trainer then proceeded to tell everyone that nobody was to touch his settings "no changing the sizes or the fonts". 
Bah!
He then turned the lights off so that we could watch the projector and then all I could see were bright flickering screens mocking me and threatening to give me a headache. 
Every single computer in my workplace is the same.  I think I am one of only 3 people that would know about the refresh rate.  Everyone else just takes Panadol and has a lie down.