Earlier this year I thought I would finally go ahead and apply for New Zealand citizenship.  I've been living here for almost 13 years after all.  My main reason for doing so was to avoid buying a $25 year-long visa any time I want to go to Australia.  When I called to get my application form the man informed me that there was a $400 fee and the processing could take 2 years!  I decided I would rather just buy the visas, I don't go to Australia that much.
Anyway, Mummy Pigalina, fearing New Zealand civil war and deciding that she may one day want to live in the beautiful sunshine of our larger island cousin, decided that she and Daddy Pigalina would apply for citizenship and offered to pay for me and my sister too. 
Easy peasy, fill out a form, attend a ceremony and get a native tree and a certificate.  Then I am free to come and go from here as I please.  The form however is rather large and rather intrusive. 

In order to decide if I "ordinarily reside" in NZ I have to list any time spent out of the country, each address I have had and the dates and any jobs or benefits received and the dates.  This is actually quite a big task!  I have had many jobs and the dates are not well documented.  They want to know your eye colour and height, if you have ever been overpaid while on a beneift or had to pay a tax bill.  This will mean a long time on the phone to the tax department because I honestly can't remember.  They would also like to know about any fines you have had - this includes speeding so I have to look back through the mists of time to try and remember the date of a speeding ticket about 9 years ago (though luckily the photo was sent for at the time to determine who was driving so I should be able to put the exact date). 

My favourite questions on the form are numbers 20.6a and 20.7:
"Are you or have you ever been associated with a terrorist organisation or involved in acts of terrorism?"
"Are you or have you been involved in a war crime or a crime against humanity?"
Both have nice little tick boxes next to them so any terrorists and war criminals can tick "yes" and then post in their forms. 
After filling out my lovely 11 page form and sending in two passport photos and $400 (of mum's money) I have to sit back for up to 18 months and in the meantime I will be asked to provide a huge wealth of original personal documents including old passports.  It's a good job I am a hoarder.
Then I have to attend a ceremony (there is no getting out of it) and say an affirmation of allegiance.  What a faff.  My native tree better be a goodie.

Hurrah, hooray.  I am finally a permanent member of staff so I can now carry on doing exactly what I have been doing for the last 8 months indefinately.
My coaching paid off and my manager told me my interview was "10, no, 100 times better than last time."  Good, it couldn't really have got much worse than that last one.  I "wanked on" about myself as advised.  I must be good at wanking.

So, watch out unemployed of South D.
 

Yes, time to be interviewed for my own job again.
There are 2, possibly 4 positions going this time around and I am being interviewed, doing a listening, writing and maths test and weeing my pants for it tommorrow.  I had interview skills coaching today so I am armed with knowledge for my time in there.
Wish me luck!  2nd (though technically 3rd) time lucky.
I am very annoyed about having to do the writing, maths and reading tests again.  Can't they take my results from the last two times?  Also they have added a delightful listening test in too.  Awesome.   I've only been listening to clients for the past 6 months.  In a bid to keep it all fair and above board though I have to go through the same stuff as everyone else applying.

The main advice I was given today is "Just wank on about yourself". 
Will try.
This is really not something I enjoy.  I had to write twelve examples of my fabulousness in the application.  Alas "O for orsome" followed by an arrow through each box was unacceptable so I had to spend all last weekend working on it.

If you cast your eyes back to my post dated 14th August you will see that I had the pleasure of applying for the job I am already doing.  Well!  Seems that my skills check - maths, writing a letter etc was great and my application and CV divine (well not quite, but good anyway, despite there amost being some snot and tears during the skills test over a particularly hard question).   So, the tests to see if I was capable of doing the job I have been doing for a few months proved that I could, with bells on.  All was looking well, Pigalina was a little shiny button on a pile of plastic ones screaming pick me, pick meeee! That was until my interview.

I went in, armed with notes as was recommended and, seemingly, looked upon favourably.  (I don't know about you but taking notes to an interview implies you are making most of your answers up and need some prompting).  I had great scenarios worked out about how I am so awesome with clients and go out of my way for them by talking to the IRD on their cellphones or calling the doctor to make appointments for them.  It was going to be a breeze.
When I got in there I poured myself a glass of water so that I looked relaxed and the inevitable dry mouth of fear would not be a problem.  The questions began and I could have fallen to the floor and assumed the fetal position.  None of my scenarios matched the questions, my notes were useless and I flailed around trying to come up with answers.  They asked me one question ("Tell us about a time you had to explain something that the client did not understand") that would have been great with one of my scenarios until they added "With a client that you had never met before." Curses!  One of the interviewing panel knew the scenario that I was going to use and knew that I knew the person.  Damn!  Rather than just lie and say it anyway I floundered before pulling a crappy one out of the air.
Don't even get me started on the diabolical question on Integrity.

So a week later results were announced. I got taken into the little seminar room where the manager told me that Pigalina was to remain a temp.  After that stellar performance?  Outrageous!  Seems that skills tests have nothing to do with it where I work and it all comes down to points scored during the interview.  Yes, interview well and you can get the job even though you may not be able to tell how many beans make 5 and couldn't even write a letter to Santa.  She said that my interview had really let me down and that I took (useless) notes in but didn't refer to them.  Boo-urns!  I had kind of expected it but it still didn't stop me wanting to have a little blub.  I had to sit there and keep a happy face on and then to make it worse the whole office knew something was afoot and I had to walk out all nonchalant and head back to my desk.  Apparently this very predicament has faced others in my office.  Surely it is time to rethink the hiring process?

So I remain temporary until the next round of interviews due to start soon.  I am to be coached by my manager and trainer on interview skills and we will do mock interviews.  How embarrassing! 

Today I had training in the morning for a new computer system that is supposed to come in and make all of our lives at work easier.  It will replace the 3 we currently have fun trying to get to "talk" to each other with just one.  Or it will now be a four way conversation.
I sat down at a computer and as usual it was all flickery so I went to change the refresh rate. 
"Stop that, leave that!" a voice bellowed behind me.  "Leave my settings alone."
"But it flickers and hurts my eyes" I whimpered.
The trainer then proceeded to tell everyone that nobody was to touch his settings "no changing the sizes or the fonts". 
Bah!
He then turned the lights off so that we could watch the projector and then all I could see were bright flickering screens mocking me and threatening to give me a headache. 
Every single computer in my workplace is the same.  I think I am one of only 3 people that would know about the refresh rate.  Everyone else just takes Panadol and has a lie down.

As my contract is coming up for renewal again and there are two fulltime positions available I am in the odd position of having to apply for a job that I am already doing.  It is extremely weird updating your CV to include you current job knowing that your manager is going to see it.  You don't really want to be seen as tooting your own horn but you also can't sell yourself short or else you could do yourself out of a job you obviously can do!
On the plus side I have had an excellent week so far.  I am off reception - YAY and have occupied my days with lovely things like filing and watching job seeker seminars and reading through training modules.  They discovered today that I had not completed the orientation pack that I should have done in my first week.  So this afternoon I answered questions such as "Who is your manager?" and drew a seating plan of the office with each desk labelled with the person's name, phone number and position.  Next week I am off to "Training School" where I will learn to be an Unemployment Case manager for real.  Not flying by the seat of my pants and hoping that I am not lying like I do at the moment.

I am currently getting paid three times the amount that I got for wiping old people's arses for, as Mr Pigalina puts it, "sitting on" mine.  Alas, I think he does not appreciate what I go through everyday.  It is me that cops the flack when there are no appointments available.  Me who gets accused when the money has not been paid.  It is me that has to fill out forms for people who cannot read or write whilst managing a never ending stream of inquires from impatient people.
Whilst doing all of this I file everyone elses papers and process their paperwork to save them from having to do it.  I listen to stories and offer a sympathetic ear (sometimes I care, often I am pretending) and  make sure client's aren't left waiting too long.  It is a hard job keeping everyone happy.  Every morning I dread going in, but when I am there it is fine.
It is for these reasons - it's not that bad; I get paid alright and I like my workmates that I have to be VERY careful about what I write on here.  I long to write about the seedy oldies and bogans (so many) that hit on me, the crazy names and the downright mad people but I can't!  There is a zero tolerance at work for "breaches of privacy". 
Please, understand my pain.  I long to share my experiences with the world, but alas I cannot.  Unless I want to go back to sales.

Remember (or pehaps you are looking forward to) that great year you had when you and all of your friends turned 21 and it was parties nearly every weekend?
I am going to a 30th this weekend. 
It has begun.

Seems I will have to be on my guard whenever I leave the house.  I have been spotted twice in one week.  No, it is not fans of my oh-so exciting and earth-shattering blog.  It is clients from work.  I was seen having a hot chocolate with friends last weekend by someone who works at the cafe, which they informed me of when they came into work the other day.  Today when Mr Pigalina pulled up at an intersection I could see a lady at the crossing intently peering into the car as she tried to work out how she knew me.  I knew her and tried my hardest to look straight ahead so as not to catch her eye.  
We were told at our recent meeting about data integrity and client confidentiality that we are supposed to behave well at all times.  If we are up to no good such as blowing a whistle dressed in fluoro clothes at a rave whilst "tripping out on dirty dog" or perhaps something harder, someone could identify us as employees of the Ministry and that could bring them into disrepute.  Do they really expect thousands of people to behave everytime they go out?  Even at birthdays and other such causes for merriment?  And would people really dob someone in for having a few too many at the pub?  Probably yes actually.  Gracious, I shall have to watch myself, we don't want a "Pigalina caught having fun scandal" now do we?  That will mean I will have to be careful and maybe cut back on doing things such as this (never!):

My next job was where this blog all started and you can read about some of my great experiences in the archives.  As if you would.  It was in an electronics store, which you think would be pretty sweet but due to lack of staff and very demanding customers I went a bit doo-lally and started hoping to get hit by a car so that I could have a few weeks time-out in hospital.  I have since learnt that I could have gone onto a Sickness Benefit on the grounds of stress.  Why do I never know such useful things at the time?  Instead I left that job and moved to the job I spoke about at the start.
At first I didn't enjoy it much, there didn't seem to be much to do.  Soon I began to appreciate the laid back nature of the job and the people that I worked with.  When I left it was only because I had to, I had been covering maternity leave and with the baby not only out but almost a year old I had to go.  There was nowhere for me to stay.  
This brings me to my title and the reason that, apart from having been away on holiday for two weeks, I have not updated my blog in a while. I am now working for what I suppose most people would call the unemployment office.  Currently I am the receptionist (though in the future I will apparently be training and being given clients to manage.)  This position is fabulous for meeting colourful characters and hearing long-winded life stories, such as this.  However, as much as this would be great blog fodder I am unable to use any of it!  I had to sign a secrecy agreement indicating that I would not do such things.  I am not even sure that I am allowed to tell Mr Pigalina about my interesting day.  Well, I am certainly not allowed to tell him who I saw and why.  Mostly though the stories that I hear and people that I meet are incredibly depressing and make me so glad that I have the life that I have. 
I have discovered since working in my new job that you can legitimately be off work and receive money (albeit a small amount) for tiredness and a lack of motivation.  What?  I could have been off work this entire time? 

Man I get bored.

Well, on March 1st if I have no job I have to get down to Maccas.  Fingers and toes crossed that the couple of jobs, I am picky, I have applied for will yeild a fantastic result.